I cant believe it is only my third day on these drinks! it feels like i haven’t eaten proper food in weeks! my day started off quite positively except for a feeling of a very dry mouth which i am getting more and more frequently, the positive feeling lasted only up untill my second drink which i…
Its alright because i still love you. and i might not have had a shower in a few days but i dont smell that bad lol and whats the point in me having a shower when im not going anywhere? we are both as bad as each other :) Xxx
Mark half smiled at Rebecca knowing that saying ‘it’s nice to meet’ wasn’t really appropriate, still, they had shared an acknowledgment of each other. Mark whisked himself round to the driver side of the car and got himself inside, buckled his seatbelt and started the car. He set off cautiously trying to make a point that he was a careful driver. A few minutes went by with out them speaking, Mark concentrating on the road and Rebecca still not really with it. Mark would have tried to talk to Rebecca but as everyone knows men are atrocious at multitasking and Mark was concentrating so hard on driving he wouldn’t have noticed if Rebecca was saying anything anyway. They were approaching a set of traffic lights and Mark slowed down to stop, he knew the irony of the situation as he slowed and had a quick glance over at Rebecca hoping that she was still too dazed to notice, he didn’t think she had noticed and felt quite relieved. But she had.
Rebecca: So you stop for these ones. Didn’t change too quick for you?
Mark felt awkward that Rebecca had noticed and thought that if he had only been as vigilant before, he wouldn’t have knocked her down. The car came to a stop and Mark rested his head in his hand, trying to act cool. He looked around the empty street and wished there was something interesting going on so there would be something to break his uneasiness. But there wasn’t, and why would there, it was half three in the morning and normal people are in bed asleep, recharging for the next routine day. The lights changed and Mark didn’t even notice. Rebecca looked over at Mark.
Mark: Sorry, what?
Rebecca: The lights have changed, you can drive.
Rebecca’s undermining sarcastic tone didn’t sink in to Marks mind till he had pulled away. He thought for a moment and then licked his lip and ignored it, looking straight ahead and not engaging Rebecca’s, choice, words. While Mark knew he was in the wrong for running Rebecca over with his car, he couldn’t help find Rebecca’s honesty both admirable and grating. Her honesty was refreshing; in a world of arbitrary webs the idea that someone was honest was quite scary, and yet, exciting.
Mark: Can I ask you something?
Rebecca: Yeah, as long as it’s not about what I’m wearing.
While that wasn’t what Mark was going to ask about, he did start to notice Rebecca’s odd dress sense at this time of night.
Mark: No but…
Shaking the thought from his head for now.
Mark: I was just wondering if you have heard of something called ‘radical honesty’? Rebecca: No it doesn’t ring any bells, should I?
Mark: Not sure.
Rebecca: Not sure about what? You asked me if I knew something called radical honesty. ‘not sure’ isn’t really the response you give someone when they don’t know what you’re talking about. Why did you ask it?
Mark: Is this how you always are? I mean, I don’t want to be rude. But you are very honest, probably the most honest person I have ever met and I’ve only known you for about twenty minutes.
Rebecca: No I’m not honest, I spend most of the time lying or not saying anything at all.
Rebecca stopped talking and looked over at Mark, whose face had a puzzled look about it, as if his brain was lagging in time, trying to process the statement Rebecca had just made. And it hadn’t quite got there yet.
Rebecca: No hold on, that’s not what I meant to say. I meant to say, I basically live a lie, the only thing truthful about my life is the spinster like relationship I have with my cat.
Marks brain was lagging even more with the additional information, trying to decipher the lies from the truth, from the truth from the lies. A task made even more difficult as the oxymoronic content required even more processing. He kept thinking, if she was a liar, she wouldn’t be saying the truth, but if she was telling the truth he wouldn’t be able to tell anyway. But a liar would lie about the truth, so the ability to decide how to take this information was getting more and more difficult. In the end Rebecca broke the contemplation period.
Rebecca: What’s radical honesty then?
Mark: Well, well basically it’s when someone chooses to live their life only telling the truth, no matter what. So if you were to ask a radically honest person what they hate most about their partner, they would answer honestly, even if their partner was there and they might get upset.
Rebecca: Right… Mark: How many people have you slept with?
Rebecca: What? Four. No, I didn’t mean to say that.
Mark: Are you sure you haven’t head of radical honesty?
Rebecca: No I have never heard of it, I don’t know why I said that, why I answered, it just came out. It’s not something I usually share with strangers.
Mark: But you did non-the-less. Interesting though.
Mark felt a sense of empowerment over the two of them, he no longer felt as guilty, and was now more intrigued by Rebecca’s apparent inability to not lie.
Mark: Have you ever been arrested?
Rebecca: No. Mark: Have you ever been in a fight?
Rebecca: No, though I really wanted to beat the crap of a girl called Sandy Whitehall in school.
Rebecca: During P.E. once she pulled my skirt down in front of the whole year, I used to fantasise about kicking her arse in front of the whole school so she would feel as humiliated as me.
Mark: Have you ever…
Rebecca: Stop it!… stop asking me questions.
Rebecca: Because I don’t know what I’m going to answer.
Mark felt a shift in mood; Rebecca seemed scared of the questions. Rebecca looked nervous; her head was looking far out of the window as though she wished she could be in any place her eyes looked at, anywhere but in this car open to questions she couldn’t help but answer. Her body was stiff and her hands were clenched in her lap, twisting fingers around themselves, like domestic abuse victim, with her abuser in the car. They didn’t speak for a while, both of them just looking around at the still life of the streets. Some lights on in flats and houses and the occasional flicker of a TV. At a set of traffic lights, a couple crossed, middle-aged, reasonably well off, nice clothes, nice jewellery, looking like they were on the way home from a night out at a fancy restaurant, full and happy they held hands and smiled into the car at Mark and Rebecca. They didn’t return the smile but the couple seemed non-deterred and continued to be happy. The lights changed back and the car pulled away in silence. After a few minutes the air had calmed a bit and Mark and Rebecca felt a little easier in the other company, but still they didn’t speak. They were cruising along a quite road when Rebecca’s attention fell quite specifically on the road ahead, she didn’t know why but her eyes were drawn to the middle of the distant road. She couldn’t see anything that far ahead but she kept looking, as if she was keeping an eye for a sign post to somewhere she wanted to go. It was then that her eyes were fixed on the same place in the distance; it was still too far away to see anything but as the car drove closer her eyes began to scan, searching for something in the night that she had been searching for. The mark in the road was now in view and was rapidly drawing closer to the car, Rebecca felt herself be overwhelmed with anxiety and she leaned forward in her seat. The spot her eyes were fixed was right in front of her. But there was nothing there, she watched as it slipped under the bonnet of the car and out of sight, she turned in her seat looking out the back of the car in case she missed it but there was still nothing there and it quickly disappeared into the tarmac. Rebecca turned back to the front of the car, a shallow sense of disappointment came over her and she looked out into the road ahead again. Mark: What was it? He had noticed Rebecca’s swift turn and inspected his rear view mirror, intrigued at what had caught Rebecca’s attention. All he could see was the faint dim of red lights on the road. Out of nowhere Rebecca saw a rabbit hop into the cars path, she saw it and wanted to say something but couldn’t find the words. As she watched the rabbit get closer to the car she could see its beady little eyes glint in the cars headlights, she looked right into them, the rabbit was getting closer, she was still fixated by the rabbit’s eyes and then, thump. The rabbit hit the bumper of the car and was ripped underneath, a brief second of little thuds and then just the silence of the road.
Mark: What was that?
The loud thud had jolted Marks attention back to the road, franticly checking all the mirrors.
Mark: Did I hit something? Did you see anything?
Rebecca: It was a rabbit.
Mark: Shit in hell. Never hit anything before.
Rebecca looked over at Mark waiting for him to realise that he had hit something before, and that something was sitting in his car, staring at him.
Mark: I mean. I hit you as well but… I didn’t kill you.
They both sat in silence again; the death of the rabbit had not given them the tension breaker that was needed.
Mark: You hungry?
Mark: There’s a café place round the corner.
Rebecca: Why is there a café open at this hour? Mark: Not sure, but it’s been open late for as long as I can remember.
Rebecca: Ok, just as long as it’s not one those really stupid places that stays open late so it can charge more money for things just because it’s the only one open. Cause I don’t have any money and you don’t really look like the kind of guy who goes all out when buying food. Sorry didn’t mean to say you’re too skinny. Though you are really skinny. How much food do you buy in when you go shopping? You can’t have a wife or girlfriend cause they would tell you to eat more. ARGH. I’m sorry I can’t help it.
Mark sat there absorbing the rant detailing the sad little details of his life, he was taken aback by how Rebecca had jump to the conclusion he was alone just because of the size of his waist line.
Rebecca: And another thing, you’re not wearing typical three in the morning clothes.
Mark: And exactly what are three in the morning clothes? Something more like what you’re wearing?
Rebecca: Well. Yes. If you were at home to start with, which I’m guessing you were cause you have that sad lonely look on you.
Mark: How about we just get something to eat for now? Then you can analyse me.
After a couple of minutes Mark pulled up at the side of the road, switched off the engine and got out. Rebecca didn’t follow suit straight away, she sat in the car still buckled in, just sitting. She didn’t know what she was about to do, the car journey had made her uneasy as it was. She looked out the window trying to find somewhere she could transport herself too, a home, a beach anywhere she could be alone without anyone to ask questions, where she didn’t say things she didn’t want to. But alas, she was in Fiat Punto at four in the morning just about to go into an all-night café and eat with the man who ran her over, and, who at this moment in time, was her only friend. If that’s what you call an hour into getting know a stranger. She took a deep breath, in through the nose, out through the mouth. This is always very important. Unbuckled her seat belt and stepped out of the car. Looking over the top of the car at the café’s sign, which read ’24 hour’s’.
Rebecca: Well that’s kinda obvious isn’t it?
Mark: Yeah. Guess they wanted to make sure people knew.
They went in, a small chime above the door jingled as the door opened and again as it closed. There wasn’t much in the way of décor, but then again who cares about décor, if you’re in a café at four in the morning, the state of its stylist attributes isn’t really top priority. There were six small round tables spread out, two by the window, either side of the door. One against the left wall, with a painting for a farmer and his dog hanging above. The other three were set out in a rough triangle in the middle of the room. At the far end a small counter help a hefty and old looking coffee machine, the little counter didn’t look as though it was built with coffee machine in mind. Mark walked up to the counter and Rebecca sat down under the painting of the farmer and his dog. Scanning round the room Rebecca saw an old man sitting at one of the window tables, a small but full cup in front of him that didn’t seem to have any steam, his tatty trilby lay slanted on his head, shadowing is sleepy eyes.
So the day has come when i have been told i have to go on a liquid diet for 6-8 weeks. This means no food at all including ice lollies, no juice or alcohol :( for 6-8 weeks ARGH! I do however have some lovely (yeah right) calorie prescription drinks and i am allowed black decaf tea and water YAY!….
I’m proud of you for doing this, I will help you in any way that I can and I will try my hardest not to tease you :) Xxx
Rebecca was quite a quiet woman who took her place in the background, staying comfortable in the corner watching others and keep her nose out of other peoples business. Saying that she found herself often in the awkward situation of knowing more than she probably should, she was an assistant to the head of a publishing company. Her boss, Jackie was a bit of a bitch, which is to be expected really. People don’t really get anywhere in life without being a bit selfish and taking advantage of the little opportunities not to mention the little people.
Rebecca had managed to her job, which was an incredible achievement because Jackie compulsively fired someone every month. It seemed that she did just for the sense of empowerment it gave her. Rebecca had managed to keep her job for two important reasons, one, she kept her head down and her mouth shut at every moment where those processes were absolutely essential, over the years she had worked with Jackie she had become acclimatised to these situations and could now almost see them build up inside Jackie, like when you turn a tap on full blast, put a bottle underneath and watch as it rises and you can see it rising higher and higher and you know that when it reaches the top its not only going to over flow but its going to spray water everywhere. Rebecca could watch the rise in Jackie and prepare herself for the oncoming burst, and this is what gave an edge. The second thing that has allowed Rebecca to stay in her job as long as she has stems from the above mentioned skills, she has managed to avoid the onslaught, stay invisible and yet be witness to some of the most privy pieces of information.
Just as an example, Rebecca knows that Jackie has had three affairs, one with her husband’s cousin that lasted 3 years, another with Jerry, a former employee and an escort. Taken so many drugs she has lost count and even stolen money from the company. Now, with this kind of information up her sleeve you would think that Rebecca might try and exploit the situation and her boss, but, Rebecca is not that kind of person. Well, that’s how she comes across anyway; she has made her life easy by staying out of the drama, making her boss happy, her family happy and generally everyone happy. Even if that’s means she does things that she doesn’t like.
It’s the 22nd of December, it’s cold, obviously and miserable, obviously. Its seems that Christmas, or Jesusmas as Rebecca likes to be non-conformist and call it, gets less and less important and, maybe because she is getting older and not religious at all, but its getting less about getting together and celebrating Christian views and ‘you know who’ and more about having to have the latest big telly, phone, more clothes and other random pointless shit that we fill the gaps in our lives in some attempt to plug the gaping void in our lives that just grows and grows as we fill it with even more expensive and pointless crap. This whole is called the real, a place so unfathomable and incomprehensible that we can’t understand it, because our nature of labelling symbols to give them meaning and understanding doesn’t apply there and because of this we can never, ever get there. However, we had hardwired with a deep hunting desire to get there and do all the things that we can think of to get there, things that give us feelings, sex, hate, sadness, happiness, excitement, etc.
Rebecca had just received an email from Jackie ‘telling’ her to go into the office tomorrow and pick up some papers. Papers that aren’t really that important but Jackie’s almost OCD quality of having things around her just so she knows where they are, and after years of tedious errands it was very grating. But, as always Rebecca did what she has always done and kept her opinions to herself and did what needed to be done.
Rebecca got the office, no one else was there and why would they, it was quarter to three in the morning and almost everyone had taken their holiday. She got the paper from Jackie’s office and put it in her bag, when I say ‘paper’ I do mean the singular, a solitary piece of paper, that Rebecca had to leave her house in the middle of the night just to get one, piece, of paper. That’s how precious Jackie really is. Rebecca locked up the office and headed out, she said good night to the night porter and left. She got to a set of traffic lights, pressed the button and waited. The traffic lights changed to red and the little green man illuminated, she doubled checked it was clear, there was only one car coming and it would obviously stop. She stepped out. The car didn’t stop. The car went straight through the lights and hit Rebecca, sending her flying onto the bonnet of the car; her head pinged off the car like a pebble. The car braked hard and flung her on the bonnet into the road.
The driver rushed out of the car and dashed over to Rebecca,
Driver: Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. Are you alright? Can you hear me?
Rebecca was still conscious but very confused and dazed.
Driver: Are you alright? I’m so sorry I didn’t see the lights, they changed so quick, I don’t know why I didn’t see them, I’m soo sorry.
Rebecca: What the hell.
Driver: I just ran you over.
Rebecca sat up a little.
Rebecca: You think?
Driver: Do you want me to take you to the hospital?
Woman: Give me a second; I don’t even know if anything is broken. Idiot.
Driver: I think your head took the brunt of it.
She took a shaky hand and placed on the front of her head where a large lump had quickly formed.
Rebecca: No shit! What the fuck were you thinking?! Jesus that stings!
Driver: I’m really sorry, I just missed the lights.
Rebecca: How the fuck could you miss the lights? It was red. It’s not like there are other lights around to confuse you, to impair your judgement of the light changing sequence.
Rebecca: Red light. It was red, you didn’t fucking stop.
Driver: I was distracted.
Rebecca: A second ago it was the lights fault for changing too quickly, now its ‘cause you were distracted. Make your mind up. Idiot.
Rebecca threw the driving a look to see if he had noticed her calling him an idiot twice. His face was twisted into a perpetual state of shock and guilt, eyebrows raised, eye lids wide open, pupils dilated and mouth open a crack breathing fast a shallow. He kept licking his lips and then scratching his lips with his teeth.
Woman standing at traffic lights talking on phone waiting to cross the road.
Woman: Don’t be silly, I’m on my way now. Can’t wait to see you.
Woman: Yeah them too. How is dad? Is he really drunk yet?
Woman laughs, traffic lights change and she crosses. A car runs the light and hits her.
Car driver: Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. Are you alright? Can you hear me?
Car Driver: Are you alright? I’m so sorry I didn’t see the lights, they changed so quick, I don’t know why I didn’t see them, I’m soo sorry.
Car Driver: I just ran you over? How you feeling?
Woman: How do you think? I just got hit by a Fiat Punto, in pink. What a horrible colour.
Car Driver: Do you want me to take you to the hospital?
Woman: No I’m fine, can you drive me home?
Car Driver: Of course, where do you live?
Woman: I live… Uumm… I… Uumm… I don’t know.
Car Driver: Have you got anything with your address on it?
Woman: Uumm… yeah in my bag. No wonder you hit me if you driving is as bad as you hair then I’m lucky I’m alive.
Car Driver: What?
Woman: Sorry not sure why I said that… it really is awful hair though. Sorry.
Car Driver: It’s alright, I’ll just have a look in your bag and see if there’s anything with your address on it.
Car Driver looks through woman’s bag and pulls out a bank statement.
Car Driver: Is your name Rebecca?
Car Driver: You. Are you Rebecca?
Woman: Yeah. No. I don’t know.
Car Driver: Do you know what your name is?
Woman: I… Can’t remember.
Car Driver: Ok, well there’s an address here, can I take you here and see if someone can help?
Woman: Yeah sure. Don’t see why not, you already ran me over why not take me to be killed as well… Sorry ‘bout that, I don’t know why I said that.
Car Driver: Let’s just get you in the car.
Woman and Car Driver are in Pink Fiat Punto driving to address.
Car Driver: So…
Woman: So what? You think that ‘cause you ran me over and now giving me a lift means we have to have idol chit chat about nothing to make you feel less bad about almost killing me.
Car Driver: Sorry.
Woman: I bet you are, I would be too if I had ran someone over on Christmas eve… I’m sorry. I really don’t know why I keep saying these things. I don’t mean for them to come out.
Car Driver: You must have concussion on something, it’s OK I won’t hold it against you.
Woman: Yeah cause I’m the one in wrong here, just speaking my mind cause I was just ran over and now getting a lift from the idiot who did it. I’m so in the wrong here.
Car Driver: Hey, I said I was sorry, I just lost concentration for a sec and didn’t see the lights change.
Woman: Shame you weren’t concentrating as much on driving as you were replying to some text!
Car Driver: Jesus.
Woman: Don’t bring Jesus into this, I hate religion. You’re not a believer are you?
Car Driver: Uumm… Yeah I go to church on Christmas Eve, in fact that’s where I was on my way to.
Woman: That the only time you go to church or do you go every Sunday, ‘cause I can’t see a cross anywhere so you must be a shit Christian. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for it to come out like that. I just noticed you didn’t have a pendant.
Car Driver: No don’t really go any other time of the year.
Woman: So you’re just a hypocrite. Sorry.
Car Driver: Don’t worry about, I kinda guessed you are pissed off with me and I don’t blame you, I would be to. Just think you’re a bit harsh. I said I was sorry, I’m giving you a lift home and you’re not even hurt.
Woman: Apart from the not being able to remember my name bit.
Car Driver: Yeah apart from that.
Woman: I’m not pissed off with you, well I am. But I don’t know why I keep saying all this stuff, I just can’t seem to keep my thoughts to myself at the moment. This doesn’t feel right, I’m not a rude person, and I never say these kinds of things. Especially to people I’ve just met.
They arrive at the address. They get out of the car and knock on the door. A young woman answers the door. Laughing and music can be heard in the house.
Young woman: Bex!
Woman: God you’re cheery.
Young woman: You alright Bex? Is this your friend you were gonna bring along? Glad you could make it I’m…
Car Driver: Actually, I hit her on my way to church and she can’t remember her name or where she lived so we found this address in her bag and I brought her here.
Woman: Talk about like I’m not here why don’t you; jeeze, it’s like being a kid again.
Young Woman: Bloody hell, come in, don’t we need to call an ambulance?
Old Man: AMBULANCE! What for? Who’s hurt? I’ll drive. Where are my keys?!
Young Woman: Oh shut it, you don’t need to go anywhere just have another drink and relax. What happened?
Woman: Got ran over by a pink Fiat Punto.
Young Woman: How? Where?
Woman: I was crossing the road and got hit by the pink Fiat Punto, that’s about it.
A: You ever get that feeling when you look at someone…
B: Yeah, it’s called sexual tension, we have it all the time.
A: No not that, when you look at someone and you want to tell them something but you know you are going to hurt them if you do.
B: Can’t say I do, no. What are you going on about?
A: It was just there.
B: What was?
A: It was tempting me and you weren’t around.
B: where the hell is this going?
A: You should have been here to stop me! Why weren’t you here.
B: Please tell me what the fuck you’re on about cause this is giving me that bad feeling you talked about.
A: I’m sorry, I’ve done something, something I swore I would never do to you again. It has been so hard lately, we have spent more and more time apart and you haven’t kept an eye on me. If you had I wouldn’t have done it.
B: Are you trying to tell me that you…
A: I’m so sorry.
B: I don’t understand, how could you?
A: Every woman has needs, and I am no exception.
B: When did you do it?
A: This morning.
B: Was it the first time, since you said you wouldn’t or has it been going on a while?
A: No it was just this once this morning I swear! You were in the shower and…
B: And what?!
A: I just fell to temptation, you had just left it there on the table. What was I meant to do?
B: You could have not done it!
A: IT WASN’T ME IT WAS THE JAM
B: You couldn’t have just controlled yourself and left the toast alone.
A: I’m sorry, it won’t happen again I promise!
B: How many times have I told you not to eat my toast?!